Random Meanderings

I haven't posted on here in a while and part of that is because life has just taken off over the last few weeks! I went from the waiting game of hearing back from SIM if I (somehow) passed my psych evaluations and all that jazz to switching gears and going into full-blown fundraising mode. Needless to say, it's been a whirlwind and I need to process it. That is what I will do. Here on this blog. Come along with me. Right now.

SIM: By Prayer - One of the main things I've done since I wrote on here was go to Charlotte, NC for a 3-day orientation with some other short-term missionaries. Most of them were going for a few months and were young and spry. I was so blessed by their tenacity and wide-eyed wonder; so much so that I wondered when I got so old that college students were so much more energetic than me? I also got to meet a new friend, Maria, who will be teaching with me down in Bolivia next year. It was great to be able to hang out with her before we get down there later this month (DID YOU HEAR ME??? I SAID "LATER THIS MONTH"!!!) The highlight of the trip was getting to meet my school's principal and his wife. It was so great to make a connection with them before I get there.

But the thing that I was most excited/impressed by was SIM as an organization. For all you regular readers of this blog (all 8 of you) you may remember that I visited SIM back in April and got a quick tour when all of this monkey business was beginning. Going back as an official Short Term Associate was so great because I got to see how they do everything according to their byline "By Prayer". You know how some organizations have a byline and you don't really understand why? I didn't feel that way once when I was down there. Everything was soaked in prayer. And that shows such complete dependence on God, it's remarkable.

Putting the "Fun" in Fundraising - So it turns out God wants me to go to Bolivia next year. How do I know this? He's raised over $11,000 in the past month and more is steadily coming in! I have been humbled again and again by people coming along side me and sacrificially giving in a crappy economy like this. And it hasn't just been my "rich friends", it's also recent high school grads, unemployed people, fellow missionaries and other people who are on tight budgets. It makes the passage of Scripture where Jesus blesses the woman who gives a tiny amount which is also the majority of what she has over the large amounts the stupid Pharisees give cause they're loaded. It also shows people's kingdom-mindedness. Yes, it hurts to give to someone on a monthly or one-time basis; it might mean less Starbucks (and I love my Starbucks!) or not as many cute, new clothes (another downfall of mine), but it shows how important the Gospel is to you. And that is sweet to Jesus.

Single and Ready to Mingle? So if you meet a single person who is going on the mission field, here's something not to say to them: "Oh my goodness! What if you meet someone down/over there? What if you MARRY someone on the mission field and never come back???" Here is why that's not helpful: 1) What if I don't meet someone over there? What if I go to a third world country and no one shows any remote signs of interest in me? Then I come back next year and am like "Yup, not even guys who live in dirt houses were interested in me and my green card". 2) Some of us missionaries, yours truly included, are rather freaked out by the idea of not coming back. We know that it's a possibility and it haunts us. So to put us in a country with an imaginary spouse for the rest of our lives is overwhelming. So, you've been warned. The next person that says either of those things to me will get punched in the jugular. No questions asked. I know, I know, that wasn't a very "missionary thing" to say. I'm working on it.

Another Way to Help: I covet your prayers, folks! In fact, that's the next step in this process is finding people who will commit to regularly praying for me while I'm gone next year. If you're interested in taking a day/topic a week and lifting me up to our Father, please let me know. If you can't be one of those "rich friends" I mentioned above, I would love it if you could support me in this ultra important way. Let me know if that's you.

I Get So Emotional, Bolivia, Everytime I Think of You!

The past few months in this journery to the mission field have been a lot of waiting. Waiting for lab results, waiting for references, waiting for approval. You would thing being almost 30 and single, I'd be comfortable with waiting and that patience would be one of my virtures. Well, I'm no where close to being patient and it ain't one of my virtues, either!

But last week everything went through - BAM, I was officially an SIM missionary! And now it begins - the fundraising, the visa and passport applications, the selling off of my stuff to raise money, the loooong Minnesota goodbye that's always annoyed me. And instead of feeling a rush of relief, I felt... well... a lot of things. I felt nervous that this was really happening. I felt anxious about raising support in such a short amount of time. I felt sad about leaving my friends and family for a year. I felt inadequete to do what God wants me to do. And then I felt excited about this new chapter in my life! I got pumped to be back in the classroom, doing what I love! And I felt loved by all the people around me who are encouraging me through all of this!

Books about missionaries, even if they're written by missionaries, don't really talk about this emotional roller coaster. And maybe it's because once you get on the field or get back from the field, you forget about these preliminary feelings. Like childbirth or something. I don't think that God would be displeased with me and the fact that I'm being real with my feelings. He talks about emotions and how they can change on a dime:

"Your turned my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy!" Psalm 30:11
"Change your laugther to mourning, your joy to gloom" James 4:9

While I don't think that God would be disappointed in me in any way for processing this, I also think that he would want me to focus on Him more - on His truths and promises and that He has only good for me. I guess this is where my confusion over my stoic, Presbyterian upbringing and my new-found Charismatic leanings really meet up and clash a bit.

All I know is this: God has grace for me. He's been gracious and merciful to me throughout this process and will continue to do so as I head to Bolivia in two short months. And he has the same for you, dear friends! Whatever circumstance you are going through right now, no matter how distant you feel from your Heavenly Father, He is gracious and wants to love you. Turn to Him. He's waiting with open arms.

What Does a Missionary Smell Like?

In my last post, I talked about not feeling like I was a good enough Christian to become a missionary. And I eluded to God working on convicting me of that attitude. I want to tell you how I got from point A to point B.

FUNDIES ARE FUN! I never attended a Fundamentalist church, in the true sense of the word. But I did attend a very missions-minded church for over 15 years. This church was amazing in it's preaching and teaching ministry and loved to send missionaries out. I watched these missionaries prepare for the field and come back on furlough from the time I was in 7th grade until about 4 years ago. And it was from this watching that I knew I could never be one of them. One of the main things I saw in these women is that they were very pious. These are women who think before speaking. These are women who spend 18 hours a day in the Word. These are women who are married to Jesus and have 6-8 children (or want 6-8 children). These are women who've stub their toe and don't even think of swearing. These women were simply better Christian than I am. Also, they look good in long skirts. At 5' 2", I do not. Even when you Google the word "missionary" (which I wouldn't suggest doing - there are some mighty raunchy results!) you get pictures like the one to the right. And most of them are Mormon. Don't even get me started on Mormon underwear!

REALITY CHECK I know missionaries that don't fit this mold that I have in my head. I know that they're not perfect Christians and that they struggle with very similar things that I do. But wouldn't it be easier for me to keep that preconceived notion alive so that I wouldn't ever have to worry about being called into the mission field? It'd be better for everyone if I just kept my walls up in this area and stayed in comfortable, albeit cold, Burnsville, Minnesota.

PREACH IT, BROTHER These were some of the things I was struggling with in the first month or so of my journey. I remember asking, demanding, God to give me some help in this area. It was a Saturday night in my devotions in Philippians, the missionary-sending book, and I needed God to make Himself real to me. Now, I'm not a proponent of setting out fleece to see if it's dry over and over again, but I did need to hear from God. And he spoke, alright! The next day at church, my pastor preached a sermon titled "Called To, Send Out" on Mark 3:13-19. He admitted that he wasn't super excited to preach that section because all it really is, is the naming for the 12 apostles. But he was faithful to preach it and talk about those apostles in a way that challenged my thinking in so many ways. Here's the passage:

13 And he went up on the mountain and called to him those whom he desired, and they came to him. 14 And he appointed twelve (whom he also named apostles) so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach 15 and have authority to cast out demons. 16 He appointed the twelve: Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); 17 James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is, Sons of Thunder); 18 Andrew, and Philip, and Bartholomew, and Matthew, and Thomas, and James the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus, and Simon the Cananaean, 19 and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him.

About half way through the sermon he broke down the significance of each of these men and the fact that Jesus chose them to be his disciples. (You can listen to the sermon for yourself - the part I'm speaking of happens around 17:09 -http://audio.sovgracemn.org/2011/04/03/servant-savior-called-to-sent-out/). Pastor Rick went through each of the apostles and why they could have been disqualified due to their behavior and antics. Yet, God chose to build His church on these "blue collar blokes".

Here are a couple of the quotes from the sermon that really struck me -
"There's one word comes to my mind regarding these 12 apostles: Ordinary. What stands out most about these guys is that there's nothing that stands out about them!"
"God delights in using orindiary people... to accomplish extraordinary things! Our weaknesses become the stage on which God demonstrates his strength! Our usefulness as disciples is not determined by who we are, but by who has called us. And it's God Almighty who's called us."

OKAY, I GET IT After this service I was convinced - hook line and sinker convinced - that God was speaking directly to me. I don't know that I've ever sat in a sermon that felt more crafted specifically to me. How gracious and amazing and personal is our God that he answered my prayer, that I probably fell asleep while praying, just like the disciples did in Gethsemane, in such a real, tangible and immediate way? When He wants to get your attention, he will.

CHALLENGE So I want to challenge you in your ideas and ways of thinking about missionaries. Do you look down on them like I did? Do you find yourself unable to identify with people who go on the mission field? Do you think yourself too lowly a sinner or to important a person to entertain the idea of mission work? I'm not saying that we should all go down to Bolivia and start a Christian commune together (although, that does sound fun, doesn't it? Have I mentioned that it has never snows in Cochabamba??) But perhaps there's a chance for you to volunteer some of your time at a local ministry, like a crisis pregnancy center. Maybe you've been putting off getting involved at your church, but God will use your gifts mightily if you do. I'm just sayin...

The Back Story

DISCLAIMER: I don't like blogs. I find them to be self-serving for the most part. Although, I do have some friends and blogs in general that I find interesting and get a kick out of, I think they're overall really annoying. With that said, I want to use this blog to inform people of what's going on in my life and I hope to keep it updated regularly if/when I get to Bolivia. I have friends all over the country and, unfortunately, I can't call them all and tell them this long story of how I got where I am. This post is super long. I promise they won't all be like this. I'm not that self-involved, people! :)

ROBBING THE CRADLE! I had coffee with a 19-year-old boy. I asked him out. Yes, there's 10 years between us and yes he attended the school where I taught last year and many of my coworkers were his teachers in junior high. But this guy is cool, interesting and I wanted to get to know him better. WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN EACH OTHER. But as God would have it, His Holy Spirit was going to speak through this young lad. Let's name him Giuseppe.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? So Giuseppe and I grab coffee and he asks me all sorts of discerning and probing questions that I haven't asked myself. Things like: what have you done with the last year of unemployment? and have you ever thought of doing missions? My water almost came out of my nose with that last question - ME? Missions? Haha! This kid so doesn't know me! I told him that the reason I have never thought of missions (and never even done a short-term trip) is three-fold: 1) I don't look good in long skirts 2) I swear sometimes 3) I have been known to make fun of missionaries or MKs. He didn't laugh. This kid was serious!

WHATEVER, GIUSEPPE. I left coffee time with G thinking "wow, that was bizarre. I'm totally putting that crap (see, potty mouth) out of my mind." But God wouldn't let me. He was incessant about it. He put my devotion time into Philippians, which is pretty much all about doing missions. He convicted me of my mocking attitude towards missionaries. And He challenged me in why I felt like I couldn't be a missionary.

THE JONAH RESPONSE. These are the things I struggled with for the coming weeks. I cried out to God - literally - during my quiet times! "God! Are you kidding me? I have FINALLY found a church that feels like home! I've FINALLY made good, Christian friends in Minnesota! I'm not going. You've got the wrong girl". I will call this time in my journey The Jonah Response.

BOLIVIA? HOW'D WE GET THERE?! So I figured I could throw God a bone and go on a short-term trip this summer. I can do that. I can go to Mexico and help with a VBS for a couple of weeks this summer. Maybe that will get God off my back, I thought. I went on my denomination's website (http://www.sovereigngraceministries.com/) to see where they have churches planted in Spanish-speaking countries. I figured I could at least learn some more Spanish while I'm doing this crazy thing. SGM has churches in Mexico, but not in the safest places. And then I saw there is one in La Paz, Bolivia. Bolivia? Well it's a country below Peru and I've been there. Hmm... I wonder if they need anyone for their VBS. So I shot an email to one of my pastors to dig a little bit. In the meantime. I looked up some mission agencies that I know of to see if anyone has a short-term trip to Bolivia this summer. No one did. So I Googled "missions organizations" and the top hit was SIM - Serving in Mission. Hmm... I've heard of them... I wonder if they have anything?

SOCIAL STUDIES TEACHER NEEDED. Turns out, they did have something. Something so specific and lined up with my education and desires, I couldn't turn away from the post. I read it once, I read it three times, and then I clicked on it. (http://sim.org/index.php/opportunity/7220) A Christian school for MKs and Bolivian nationals needed a junior high/senior high social studies teacher? Seriously? I couldn't believe it. So, you're saying I could fulfill this new-found desire to do missions through teaching in my content area? I could gain experience, fluency in a language I have been wanting to learn more of and follow God, all in one?? But wait... can I really do this? Am I serious about this? I feel like I need some back-up.

BACK-UP NEEDED. I emailed the women in my small group. The email was titled "But I Don't Wanna Go..." I should've signed it "Jonah". I asked for their feedback, their prayers, their counsel. And then I sent it. I made this month's long journey REAL by actually putting it into words and telling people who are close to me about it. What was I thinking? Is there an"unsend" button on this thing? Oh no, and here come their responses. They're going to say "here are the top 10, nay, the top 100 reasons why you're not a good enough Christian to become a missionary" and they'd all be true! Oh no, this girl has been my prayer partner for the last year and really knows my sin - she's going to rip me apart! But here's the thing - they didn't. They encouraged me. They said it would be bittersweet to see me go, but that I should do it. They said it was an evidence of God's grace in my life that I was even considering going. They loved me. I'll be honest, I kind of wanted them to talk me out of it. To give me that top 100 list so I could wave it at God and say "See? You've got the wrong girl!" Now what?

PARENTAL ADVISORY: Now I need to tell my parents. So I told my mom that I wanted to talk to just her and dad that night. In retrospect, and knowing what she does for a living (a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center) she probably thought I was going to tell her I was knocked up. Yup, another immaculate conception, I guess. So I told them and then even they were excited for me. What? Why is no one giving pause to this? Why is no one shooting up big, red flags? Who is going to stop this madness? I went on SIM's site and did the preliminary application. The wheels were in motion - in motion, people! And then I saw where SIM was headquartered - Charlotte, North Carolina. The very same Charlotte that I would be in a week and a half from that day, visiting a friend and doing a Premier jewelry show. Seriously, God?

FAST FORWARD. In a nutshell, this is where I'm at and what has happened since the application:
1 - I met with my recruiter while I was in Charlotte and we talked about whether this would be a 1 or 2 year commitment. We decided to do 1 year and see how it goes; if great then I could sign up for a second year, if not so great, I could come home and curl up with the basset (Lord willing. She's getting so old, people!)
2 - I told more people, mostly from church, about it. And, not surprisingly at this point, they were excited for me. They were sad about me leaving, but encouraged me to move forward. And that's what I've been doing - walking forward in faith.
3 - I talked with the school's principal on Skype for an hour one night to find out more about the actual position. I'd be teaching 7-10 grade social studies (my favorite ages!) and one of the courses would be sociology/psychology, which is what my undergraduate degree was in. The school sounds amazing - you can check it out at http://www.carachipampa.org/welcome-to-ccs
4 - Now we're waiting for all my references to get their paperwork back, for me to take the MMPI psych evaluation (dying to see what that says about me!) and then a portfolio of all my information will be made up and given to a committee at SIM. If they approve me, I'll be set to start fund-raising. The cost to be there for the year isn't cheap. But it's nothing to God. I have seen him provide financially so many times in my life, over and over, so I'm not worried about that part of it. Yes, it's a big leap of faith to live off of people's generosity each and every day, but I have a feeling He's going to teach me a lot about stewardship and trust this next year.

Thanks for reading all of this. I'm sure I left details out. Please pray for me - the evil one likes to attack those who are moving toward God's work. Pray that I don't start to doubt myself or get anxious about raising funds. Pray that I keep GOD the focus and not myself. Pray that I stay strong in my devos and prayer life.
Excited to take this new adventure with you guys! Feel free to email or call if you have any questions or concerns. bex813@hotmail.com 952.239.0750
Love yas ~
Bex