The past few months in this journery to the mission field have been a lot of waiting. Waiting for lab results, waiting for references, waiting for approval. You would thing being almost 30 and single, I'd be comfortable with waiting and that patience would be one of my virtures. Well, I'm no where close to being patient and it ain't one of my virtues, either!
But last week everything went through - BAM, I was officially an SIM missionary! And now it begins - the fundraising, the visa and passport applications, the selling off of my stuff to raise money, the loooong Minnesota goodbye that's always annoyed me. And instead of feeling a rush of relief, I felt... well... a lot of things. I felt nervous that this was really happening. I felt anxious about raising support in such a short amount of time. I felt sad about leaving my friends and family for a year. I felt inadequete to do what God wants me to do. And then I felt excited about this new chapter in my life! I got pumped to be back in the classroom, doing what I love! And I felt loved by all the people around me who are encouraging me through all of this!
Books about missionaries, even if they're written by missionaries, don't really talk about this emotional roller coaster. And maybe it's because once you get on the field or get back from the field, you forget about these preliminary feelings. Like childbirth or something. I don't think that God would be displeased with me and the fact that I'm being real with my feelings. He talks about emotions and how they can change on a dime:
"Your turned my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy!" Psalm 30:11
"Change your laugther to mourning, your joy to gloom" James 4:9
While I don't think that God would be disappointed in me in any way for processing this, I also think that he would want me to focus on Him more - on His truths and promises and that He has only good for me. I guess this is where my confusion over my stoic, Presbyterian upbringing and my new-found Charismatic leanings really meet up and clash a bit.
All I know is this: God has grace for me. He's been gracious and merciful to me throughout this process and will continue to do so as I head to Bolivia in two short months. And he has the same for you, dear friends! Whatever circumstance you are going through right now, no matter how distant you feel from your Heavenly Father, He is gracious and wants to love you. Turn to Him. He's waiting with open arms.
After reading this and hearing you share a little bit this past Sunday...I can't help but get excited for this "new chapter!" It's refreshing to hear your feelings and thoughts and I think you convey them well.
ReplyDeleteI'm encouraged to hear among all the emotions a strong sense of thankfulness and praise to God---Who clearly has opened this door WIDE for you.
Love, Annie